Sunday, June 29, 2014

Moving home and shedding my skin


Anyone that has gone through the roller coaster journey of buying a home will be able to sympathise  with the feelings I have just been through. 
The emotions, the tantrums, the worries,  the ups and DOWNS,  the high anxiety, sleepless nights and the stress. 
By god the stress is not good, it seems its just part of the process no matter what you do to stifle its appearance. 

It's  one of those things that creeps up so silently and can give you an almighty fright when it appears. It shakes you up all over,  makes you feel unbalanced, unhinged and overwhelmed. The pressure, the headaches, racing heart  and the tiredness.  They are certainly feelings I was glad to finally shake! 
The ups  and downs are flipping hard. The houses that you can actually see your self living in,  that you can see your furniture in and just know are yours  slipped through your fingers  and to know someone else will be the residents. 

The open for inspections, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND  and nothing really speaking to you. The auctions where houses sell for so much more than you anticipate. And the lump in the throat when you know when you have found "the one".  And that excited but oh so scary feeling when finally it is SOLD {to you}.  

I am eternally grateful to my mum and dad, for being able to want to do this for Darby and I. As a single parent on one income. I had forgone  the dream of ever living in my own home. It seemed like some far off magical dream, something that would be amazing but one that I had all but written off. So to them who have wanted to set Darby and I up for our most secure future,  I will never have the right words to say or enough gratitude to show. Its sitting in my heart and waiting to flow into our new space. A space I can't wait to fill with such new happy energy. 

Luckily now we are in the house moving stage (2 weeks to go, YAY) , so  to be honest we are past all  of the the hard yards now.  Well if you consider packing light work.  In my little haven I have  found the packing a very therapeutic activity, it has been a way for me to sit and  deal with past hurts that I couldn't bare to  even unveil  back then. Its been an energetic process, I am very aware of how  I have been feeling has been reflected in the energy of our house and have made sure I have been cleansing it on a spiritual level every day. I have been talking to my apartment, as crazy as it sounds. In my own way, I have been saying goodbye, mourning for it and also celebrating the times that have been spent between these four walls.  I have wanted to purge as much as I could. The items that no longer serve a purpose to me anymore.   This I thought would be hard for the sentimental in me, but I have managed to release so much, and with so much more to give as well. 
I must admit I had let myself live in a state of disarray for the past 6 months, scattered, messy, cluttered and it has done nothing but heighten the stress of moving. I knew at some point this move would happen, but not wanting to deal with its emotional enormity.  I am the first to admit I don't like dealing with things  sometimes. I am aware of it, but now its about changing that. About wanting to walk through the yuk and to  deal with things as they arise, not leave them festering away until later, and this has been a perfect example for me of something to work on. 


The emotions that have arisen  have been only  natural, and have shaken me up a lot more than I could imagine. 
My current little haven has been home to my son and I since our family separation 4 years ago. It carries huge memories, memories of him growing from a toddler into a now almost 7 year old.  Memories of the happiness that we have fostered here. We have both celebrated 4 birthdays and 4 Christmases between these walls. There has been so much laughter and the odd tear.  It was the little sanctuary that saved me, and that nurtured me. It allowed me to develop into the person  and mother I am now. 
I carried a whole lot of hurt into here, sadness and adrenaline, from what was a very difficult and heartbreaking time.  It has only  been in the last  year that I have found the forgiveness  and compassion and this is really when I began to heal and evolve.  I have learned to forgive myself for anything I did. I have wanted to stretch out my wings and discover new wonderful lands. 

I have been craving a  new space to carve out the new life I wish to lead now with Darby. As Alice so eloquently said in Alice in Wonderland "I cant go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then"  And that is so true, I am the same, but just a whole  lot different I am finding myself again, I have been slowing shedding the layers of my cocoon.  I realise its just like the butterfly finding her wings. The cocoon that has nestled me oh so lovingly for 4 years is now no longer needed. I am ready to stretch these wings, and see if I can fly! 

Fingers crossed!!! 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

New Beginnings.....

This sacred space of mine has been free from my words lately.  In fact I nearly forgot it exists, let alone anyone else knowing it was here!!
I lost my blogging mojo some time ago and it never seemed to return, seemingly gone forever. But I know deep in my heart, that I love to write, I crave writing, I was born to write.  So  here I am today being bold and declaring that its doors are officially open (and this time for quite awhile). 

No one may  come and read it, and that is totally ok with me. Maybe just my mum and a close friend, and in my eyes thats a win, because these words here will be touching someone.

It seems the big changes happening in my life right now are shaking things up a bit and with that shake up, I felt the need to be able to share, to empower, to perhaps ignite a spark in others (as much as ignite it for myself)
I know it  will take  some time,  but  I am ready for that, I will be here, waiting, writing, sharing.

First and foremost I am putting my big girl pants on and embracing my 2014 intention to do everything with courage, to be fearless in the face of my greatest fears and to let go all  of my expectations, my doubts and my limiting beliefs of the things I have inside to share, the niggling camparisonitis that plagues me.
 I know we all have our own paths to go down, our own trails to blaze, and that by posting this today I am just adding another voice to the path, another journey to be taken. I am forging ahead regardless of what my mind is telling me.  We all have beautiful unique voices and a right to use them and share them in our own safe haven.
So from today I will be found here voicing mine oh so quietly, but the bigger point is I will be sharing. 

Here are a few little blogging guidelines I have set for myself

For the rest of the year I am ready to tackle this blog full steam ahead, with gentle love and no anticipation of what it may bring.  I just want to be myself in each and every moment, day to day and see where it leads.

To lend myself the same compassion that I know I lend others.  I am not going to let fear hold me captive, to get stuck in the a never-ending cycle where I  gallop through the gates of my comfort zone with such raw enthusiasm (I am a horse at heart.. its the sagittarian in me!)  only to get bound and gagged by  anxiety and cold feet. I quickly go scurrying back to my sanctuary more  scared, more paralysed and more stuck than ever.
So I am declaring no more draft posts sitting in my blog waiting to be read  (it should come as no surprise that I had over 100 drafts never published and now lost in in my last blog home  - Adventures of Java Jane).

I will publish every last one of them here, even those that scare me half to death, in fact those are the ones that need to be published.  The ones where putting my vulnerability on the line, my heart on my sleeve, a lump in my throat will connect with more, support more and heal some more. My motto will be to just "press publish", shut my computer down and walk away for awhile.

I will leave behind my perfection meets procrastinator personality and just publish. I have this niggling thought that the name of my blog doesn't represent who I am or where I am going, and instead of working my way through that and to just let it evolve naturally as it should, I have let it tie me to the gorund and used it as an excuse not to write.
My mind is good at playing those games with me, all stemming back to my  perfectionism and tugging at my lack of confidence, well I am saying goodbye to that.  So I have flipped the mind game on itself,  I know the name will evolve from within, but at least  for now it will be a fluid process and my flow of words may just spark the inspiration I need.

   As a good friend said to me the other day, "Just feel the fear and do it anyway!" 

I plan to  let down my hair and have some fun and I know then that the words will spill out freely. None of this tangled up and so serious. I need to SURRENDER, to let go, be present and feel the JOY!

So thats it, nice and simple really!
- Be Gentle
- Do it with Love
- No more drafts
- Press Publish
- No more Procrastination (disguised as perfectionism!)
- Let the words flow
- Have fun
- Feel the JOY 

Are you a blogger? Any tips to get you going when you are stuck in a rut?

Can't wait to be back here again, see you real soon


Big love
Jane


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